Okay, so I don’t know if Hate Watch Monday is going to become a thing, but I decided to watch Batman v. Superman and see what happened. I had hoped that it would be so bad it was funny, but Zach Snyder depresses me. I REFUSED to see this movie in the theater because he is pretty much dead to me after the travesty that was Sucker Punch. But I wanted to see Wonder Woman. For reasons.
Here’s what I did. Being at least half luddite, I took notes, and I am now going to transcribe them into this post for, hopefully, your amusement. I can’t promise there won’t be spoilers so considered yourself forewarned. Without further ado, my thoughts on Batman v. Superman:
As we started the movie, the following convo ensued:
Ryan, to Her Majesty: You wanna watch?
Hobbit: You know what that makes her?
Me: Smarter than us!
Ryan, Hobbit, and Sally: Waldorf and Statler laugh.
Now here are my incoherent ramblings……
–Oh good, we get to see Batman’s origin story for the eleventy-billionth time.
–Is this a flashback within a flashback? Has the universe imploded upon itself?
–(As the credits continue) Laurence Fishburne, Jeremy Irons, and Holly Hunter? Don’t they all have Oscars? Don’t they know better than this? [Fishburne hasn’t WON an Oscar yet, but still]
–Oh Lawd have mercy. Are we going to slow mo this thing complete with gun caught under pearl necklace and then all of the pearls scattering? Apparently, we are. *sigh*
–Why are my husband and son giggling? [As it turns out the breathy Martha will be important]
–[After boy Bruce falls down into the mining shaft and starts levitating with bats] Is he flying? Is he freaking flying with the bats?
–Flying with bats. Freaking Zach Snyder. Flying with bats.
–Dear Lord, what is the fascination with blowing up New York City?
–Who is Jack? Why do you care about him, Batffleck?
–Is that a random riderless horse? Is this the battle of Waterloo or something?
–Aw, snap. Batffleck giving us his best Blue Steel. I bet he wishes he’d been in Zoolander 2 instead.
–And now we’re in the Indian Ocean. I’m getting whiplash from all of this hopping from time to time and place to place.
–He’s…got a pocket full of kryptonite. [Great. Now I can add getting the Spin Doctors stuck in my head to my list of crimes Zach Snyder has perpetrated against me]
–Amy Adams? First, you are still not my idea of Lois Lane. Second, are you really going to be dragged in here with a bag over your head and lead with “Are you a terrorist?”
–That’s not Jimmy Olsen. Oh. That was Jimmy Olsen. Nevermind.
–Superman coming on in here dropping down in that Iron Man crouch. Who wore it better? Ahem. Iron Man.
–And now we’re in a Senate hearing? Superman killed people. Ma’am. I did not see that.
–“He doesn’t answer to anyone. Not even God.” This is supposed to be some of your bang-us-over-the-head symbolism, isn’t it, Snyder?
–And now Amy Adams is naked in the tub. Why? As the Hobbit says, because Zach Snyder is a perv.
–What the what? Why is he putting his hand on the back of her neck? Did Cavill just sneak a peak at Adams’s boobies? I believe he did!
–Getting into the tub with your clothes on? Wait. Whoa. you’re going to. . . too late. You done sloshed water all over the place. You will NOT be getting your deposit back when you move.
–And now we’ve gone from a touching couple in a tub scene to random cops. And a batarang.
–Who is this cop? How many extras are in this film anyway?
–WTF?! Since when did Batman start branding people? That is some whacked out mess.
–Oh. Jeremy Irons. I hope he sings “Be Prepared” to Bruce because I keep thinking Scar from The Lion King.
–Well, that’s a melodramatic convo between Alfred and Bruce. Okay. Whatever.
–Gratuitous shot of a shirtless Cavill. Probably because he had to SO work out for this film.
–Whiplash! Now we’re back to Lex Luthor.
–Whoa. Whoa. Why y’all be cutting up Zod?
–Pretty sure I like Smallville Lex better. Also Eisenberg should never, ever, ever try a southern accent. Not even in jest.
–So, let me get this straight. They built that big ol’ Superman monument complete with a wall full of names of the lost in 18 months but they haven’t moved Zod’s ship. Mmmkay.
–Wait. Are we going to have a slo mo of Lex walking to the Zod ship? With freaky music? You got issues, Snyder.
–Is Lex about to do lewd things to Zod? Tell me he’s not about to do lewd things to Zod?
–Okay. Juxtaposing a red Jolly Rancher with an autopsy scene is not okay. NOT OKAY, Snyder.
–And Fight Club? I think this movie is giving me vertigo.
–Bruce speaks Russian? Of course he does.
–Back to the Daily Planet–why did Fishburne take this role? He’s better than this.
–Okay. Perry and Lois’s back and forth over Coach–Ecomony Plus–Coach is my favorite part of this movie so far.
–Holly Hunter has to be questioning her life choices. Of course, I can’t think of anyone who could sell the line about piss bucket’s and Granny’s peach tea better than her, though. Wait. Is Holly Hunter 58? Dude.
–Lawd have mercy. Is that more slo mo? Someone tell that boy to cut it out with the slo mo.
–Me: Is that a random naked woman beside Bruce? Hobbit: Yes, because Zach Snyder is a perv.
–Points to Lois Lane for chilling in the men’s room, but what the what with “with balls like yours you belong in [the men’s room]”
–Did Bruce Wayne just ask Alfred for permission to use the batsuit?
–Why is Wonder Woman in a cocktail dress? Why is she wearing a dress cut down the middle?
–Man. This chatter between Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne is like bad porn dialogue. Eh, I’d ship ’em.
–What? Did Wonder Woman just outsmart Bruce Wayne? Yeah, she did.
–More slow mo. Gosh. Did he just fly from Metropolis to Juarez. Are they laying hands on him? Yes, they are laying hands on Superman.
–Why is Superman pulling a ship across the ice?
–Why is Neil DeGrasse Tyson slumming it in this film?
–Oh, heck no. I know Superman is not suspended in the air above the roof in one of those holy sunbeams. No, no, no. Snyder, you are not okay.
–Is Lex Luthor giving that dude a Professor X Mobile?
–Is that Gal Gadot in ANOTHER dress with a boob window?
–Well, this convo between Wonder Woman and Bruce Wayne is good…
–The hell? Am I supposed to believe that Bruce Wayne has gone from searching through encrypted data to some kind of apocalypse dream sequence? Are those people wearing Superman insignias? Is Superman killing people?
–Who is this dude popping out to tell Bruce that Lois is the key?
–Whoa, whoa. Bruce and Clark are investigating each other? Couldn’t we have established that earlier?
–Why hasn’t Clark Kent been fired yet? He is totally incompetent as a reporter.
–What the what with Batman shooting things and running over people and….slo mo again. *sigh*
–“Consider this mercy” from Superman and “Do you bleed?” from Batman. Is this for real?
–Oh, so now Lex has a Pocket Full of Kryptonite.
–Wait. Whoa. So now Martha is telling him he doesn’t owe the world jack?
–Soledad O’Brien, why? You are better than this.
–Am I supposed to believe the junior senator from Kentucky is a democrat? Yeah, right.
–“I grew up on a farm. I know how to wrestle pig.” I do like the farm girl vibe Holly Hunter has going on.
–Really? A jar of piss that is labeled Grandma’s Peach Tea? That’s disgusting. Not cool.
–Again I say, whoa. Stop. I have seen no evidence up until this point that Superman was considered a hero.
–And now there’s an explosion at Lex Corp.
–[at this point the Hobbit is humming Danny Elfman’s original Batman theme. This movie could’ve used Elfman music]
–Now Lois is telling Clark that he gives people hope and the Hobbit says, “Know what gives me hope? Marvel.”
–Oh, I know Lex isn’t wearing Zod’s fingerprints.
–Batffleck has issues; beating a tire, science, working out, science, working out, science…
–“You flew too close to the sun” Um, Lex. That’s Zod. Not Icarus.
–Superman in effigy? Really?
–And Kevin Costner. Now Superman is hallucinating. Because that’s something we want our superheroes to do.
–Oh, good. Now Bruce is wandering around the abandoned Wayne Manor.
–Nancy Grace? Wait. I’m not that surprised to see her here.
–Is Batman wearing platform boots?
–And bat signal. Just because Superman told him not to. I think Bruce Wayne has Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
–Did Lex just call Lois feisty? Really?
–Oh, hey! Superman catching Lois is the most Superman thing he’s done in this film.
–Blah Blah Blah. Lex is carrying on about good and powerful, and I’m thinking Zach Snyder is trying to trying to beat us over the head with something.
–“Every boy’s special lady is his mother.” Well, I hope so.
–And Wonder Woman with cleavage again.
–Did we really interrupt this tense moment to have Wonder Woman look at all of the other metahumans? What a way to kill the pacing.
–Oh, Batman. You are so wily.
–*sigh* This fight is no Captain America vs Iron Man, I’ll tell you that.
Batman: What did you say?
Lois: His mother’s name is Martha
Batman quits beating up Superman and Ryan says: Well that’s a horse of a different color?
–Wait. Whoa. Stop. These two have just beat each other with a bathroom sink, et al, and now they’re going to be besties just because they each have mothers of the same name? This movie hinges on how Batman and Superman have mothers of the same name? I have wasted over an hour of my life.
–Lex has a plan B? Why isn’t this movie over? We’ve had Batman vs Superman. Why are we still going?
–And we’re going to nuke Superman. Of course we are. Love how we went straight to nuking things.
–Of course Lois threw away the spear we need right now.
–Sweet! Wonder Woman is the best, and she has the best entrance music.
–Wait. Did we just kill Superman when Wonder Woman could’ve handled that spear and taken care of business? Really?
–This is supposed to be a touching moment as Batman passes Superman to Wonder Woman, but all I can think is, “Look at those guns. She’s almost got Michelle Obama arms.”
–Oh. So that’s how Lex Luthor got bald.
–Aw, Laurence Fishburne is the only one to make me think about crying over Superman.
–What the what? It ain’t the 1940s, Martha, I don’t think we keep bodies in the living room again. Also, why aren’t you people putting solar boy in the sun? Man runs on sunlight and you’re going to put him in a coffin?
–He mailed Lois a ring? What? Why? Did he know he was going to die? I’m so confused.
–And of course the funerals are slo mo. Snyder, you have a slo mo problem.
–Le sigh. “I failed him in life. I won’t fail him in death.” Have mercy at the melodrama.
–Is Lex allergic to jail? Why is he snotting?
–Ding, ding. ding. Is he going for Joker? I think Eisenberg is confused. He signed up for Lex Luthor.
–And tiny bits of soil rising. Of course. I’m still depressed, Snyder.
Lord have mercy. This movie had more endings than The Return of the King. I really do think I got whiplash from all of the shifting, and why, oh why, wasn’t there more Wonder Woman.
Maybe there was a coherent story in there somewhere–the part where Lex Luthor set up the animosity between Batman and Superman makes sense–but, on the whole, it’s a garbled mess. Watch it at your own risk, I say.
Or fast forward to all of the parts with Wonder Woman.